BIG NEWS AND CHANGES

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Unhappy Results

I'm currently the thinnest I've been in years. I honestly don't think I've been this thin since before I got pregnant with my first son.

But I'm not happy about it. In fact, it's just the opposite. I'm upset, unhappy, and a little scared.

It started back in January when I decided to start taking Zoloft for my anxiety. I knew there would be an adjustment period. I didn't expect to lose my sense of taste for 2 weeks. I barely ate because everything (except super spicy foods) tasted like sawdust. It was awful. Even smoothies and Shakeology tasted horrible to me.

Once I got back to where I *could* eat again my body was adapting to fewer calories...so I didn't have much of an appetite. That's fine, I drank my Shakeology and ate what I could. I figured listening to my body was best. The few pounds of weight loss was a bonus.

Then I had my wisdom teeth removed...and got dry socket. So that was another 2 weeks of not really being able to eat. This was only a few weeks after getting back to eating somewhat normally.

My pants got bigger, my husband commented that my butt wasn't as round, and I was tired all.the.time.

But now that inner demon is rearing it's ugly head and whispering things like "If you start eating normally you'll put all that weight back on." I don't have an appetite. Even when I get hungry I don't WANT to eat. Food grosses me out.

It's been frighteningly easy to slip back into this...so I did what I knew needed to be done: I told my husband. I confided all of my scary, screwed up thoughts. We made an unspoken agreement to get me to eat more often and just get more calories in general.

And then we got food poisoning.

So the last 2 days I've barely eaten and don't see myself eating much today either. Even water turns my stomach if I drink more than a couple of sips.

I'm frustrated. I'm torn. I'm tired. Ugh.

Don't Judge A Meal By Its Picture

Seriously, because this one looks kind of gross...but it was SO FREAKING GOOD!

These are the ingredients. I made this one up as I go along (as I usually do...) so the measurements are at your own discretion.

Basically:
- Leftover Quinoa
- Almond flour
- Spinach
- Bell Pepper
- Green Onion
- Black Forest Bacon
- Chicken Breast
- Sun Dried Tomatoes
- Almond Milk
- Garlic Powder
- Onion Powder
- Salt
- Red Pepper Flakes
- White Wine
- Eggs (not pictured)

I didn't use the garlic or onion that's pictured because I was in a time crunch so powdered was easier in the moment.

The meal looked like this:

Green spinach, black-ish bacon, and red tomatoes make yucky green-brown btw

The Quinoa Patties were easy. I mixed the leftover quinoa with about a cup of almond flour ( there was a little more than a cup of quinoa), some chopped green onion and bell pepper, and some spices. Then I added whole eggs until it got doughy (2-3). When you can form it into balls it's the right texture. Simply make patties and fry in your choice of oil until nice and brown on both sides!

I rinsed the chicken breasts and did a fast dredge in the almond flour (about 1 cup with the garlic, onion, salt, and red pepper). Then I fried those in a teeny bit of oil until they were almost done (a lot of the breading comes off and that's no big deal). I ended up putting them under the broiler to finish those last few degrees to done while I made the sauce.

I put a handful of spinach, a few sun-dried tomatoes, and 5 pieces of (chopped) bacon in the blender. I added enough almond milk to blend it.

While the chicken was out of the pan I deglazed with white wine (just enough to scrape it) and then poured the flour in and stirred it around until it combined. I added about half a cup of almond milk and the mixture from the blender and stirred frequently. I ended up adding more almond milk to make it more "sauce" consistency but that's just me!

I sliced the chicken and poured the sauce over it. Serve it with the patties.

Super yummy and high protein!!

Fear of Losing Weight

This is something that has been weighing on me (ha! See what I did there?) lately.

I have this weird mental block when it comes to losing weight.

I talked to my husband about it and he says it's understandable and I'm not crazy. (Well, not because of this! haha)

See, when I was 16/17 and my eating disorder peaked it was right after losing a bunch of weight the healthy way. I made healthy choices and the weight came off and I liked it...too much.

It was a slow and slippery slope to go from "healthy" to "unhealthy." I didn't just stop eating overnight or anything. It was a gradual process. And it was easy to fall into it.

Knowing that about myself. I think part of me is afraid to lose weight...even the healthy way. What if I get addicted to it again? What if I become unhealthy again? What kind of message does that set for my kids?

And then I have to ask myself...but is yo-yo dieting any better? Am I a good role model if I constantly sabotage my progress? Is being apathetic with a few extra pounds any better?

So that's where I'm at right now. Who knew you could be afraid of being fabulous?

Stair Workout

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Happy New Year!

I know most bloggers are doing New Year's posts...so why not jump in too?

I already did a list of non-fitness related posts on my original blog. These are all going to be health, fitness, and business related.

1. Wear a Bikini
Even if I don't actually get out and wear one, I want to have the body to have the CHOICE to wear one.

2. Financial Stability
By the end of the year I'd like to be so close to being out of debt I can see it. This will take some planning and some restraint in spending, but it's totally possible.

3. Try Something New Each Month
New food, new recipe, new exercise, etc...no ruts this year!

4. Blog Weekly
Yep, you need to hear from me more often.

5. Be Able To Do The Splits
Is this silly? I know...but I really want to do it.