Monday, March 4, 2013

Unhappy Results

I'm currently the thinnest I've been in years. I honestly don't think I've been this thin since before I got pregnant with my first son.

But I'm not happy about it. In fact, it's just the opposite. I'm upset, unhappy, and a little scared.

It started back in January when I decided to start taking Zoloft for my anxiety. I knew there would be an adjustment period. I didn't expect to lose my sense of taste for 2 weeks. I barely ate because everything (except super spicy foods) tasted like sawdust. It was awful. Even smoothies and Shakeology tasted horrible to me.

Once I got back to where I *could* eat again my body was adapting to fewer I didn't have much of an appetite. That's fine, I drank my Shakeology and ate what I could. I figured listening to my body was best. The few pounds of weight loss was a bonus.

Then I had my wisdom teeth removed...and got dry socket. So that was another 2 weeks of not really being able to eat. This was only a few weeks after getting back to eating somewhat normally.

My pants got bigger, my husband commented that my butt wasn't as round, and I was tired all.the.time.

But now that inner demon is rearing it's ugly head and whispering things like "If you start eating normally you'll put all that weight back on." I don't have an appetite. Even when I get hungry I don't WANT to eat. Food grosses me out.

It's been frighteningly easy to slip back into I did what I knew needed to be done: I told my husband. I confided all of my scary, screwed up thoughts. We made an unspoken agreement to get me to eat more often and just get more calories in general.

And then we got food poisoning.

So the last 2 days I've barely eaten and don't see myself eating much today either. Even water turns my stomach if I drink more than a couple of sips.

I'm frustrated. I'm torn. I'm tired. Ugh.


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