Unhappy Results

I'm currently the thinnest I've been in years. I honestly don't think I've been this thin since before I got pregnant with my first son.

But I'm not happy about it. In fact, it's just the opposite. I'm upset, unhappy, and a little scared.

It started back in January when I decided to start taking Zoloft for my anxiety. I knew there would be an adjustment period. I didn't expect to lose my sense of taste for 2 weeks. I barely ate because everything (except super spicy foods) tasted like sawdust. It was awful. Even smoothies and Shakeology tasted horrible to me.

Once I got back to where I *could* eat again my body was adapting to fewer calories...so I didn't have much of an appetite. That's fine, I drank my Shakeology and ate what I could. I figured listening to my body was best. The few pounds of weight loss was a bonus.

Then I had my wisdom teeth removed...and got dry socket. So that was another 2 weeks of not really being able to eat. This was only a few weeks after getting back to eating somewhat normally.

My pants got bigger, my husband commented that my butt wasn't as round, and I was tired all.the.time.

But now that inner demon is rearing it's ugly head and whispering things like "If you start eating normally you'll put all that weight back on." I don't have an appetite. Even when I get hungry I don't WANT to eat. Food grosses me out.

It's been frighteningly easy to slip back into this...so I did what I knew needed to be done: I told my husband. I confided all of my scary, screwed up thoughts. We made an unspoken agreement to get me to eat more often and just get more calories in general.

And then we got food poisoning.

So the last 2 days I've barely eaten and don't see myself eating much today either. Even water turns my stomach if I drink more than a couple of sips.

I'm frustrated. I'm torn. I'm tired. Ugh.

Where I've been lately.

It started a few months ago. I had done a few rest days and was getting ready to do my next week of Insanity.

I fired up the DVD and started in on the warmup. I felt GREAT for the first 2 cycles...and then I felt like I got punched in the chest.

It was actually pretty scary at the time. I felt like my chest was in a vice. In hindsight, I should have gone to the hospital but I waited to see if it would go away. It took a LONG time (several hours) to feel normal.

I didn't die and didn't have any other weird effects so it wasn't a heart attack.

I decided to put Insanity on the back burner and try something else...

That is, until I started getting chest pains during the day for no reason. I realized I also felt freaked out for no reason (not just because my chest hurt), nauseated, and I wanted to cry.

I was having anxiety attacks. Bad ones. All day long. At least one day I week I was in pain for 75% of the day. Good days were when it only happened once.

So.....I unplugged and shut out the world. No business, no blog, seriously limited Facebook, and I didn't take phone calls. I made sure the boys were alive and fed. The house went to hell and I devoured a book a day (sometimes more if they were short enough). This went on for a week.

I emerged with no chest pain, a messy house, and a business with dust on it. I was ready to jump back in...but trying "too hard" triggered another day of chest pain.

I had to take baby steps. One chore a day. One post a day. And so on...

I've also increased my Magnesium...which is another post.

It's getting better and I'm managing things a bit better. I'm back!

Bad Habits, Blog Series, and RevAbs

Bad habits are HARD to break. I'm not even talking about things like smoking or whatever...I'm talking about emotional habits.

I have a history of depression and anxiety. Over the years I've come to fight against it a lot. But, honestly, a lot of it is ingrained habit now. When I have a hard day, get bad news, get frustrated, etc... my first instinct is to curl up in a ball and WALLOW in that feeling. Truly, I have so much to be thankful for and, if I fight, can avoid giving in to the wallowing...but the feeling is still there. It's a habit just like anything else! Did you know you can have EMOTIONAL Habits?

Moving on...

I get a lot of questions about what I eat and how much we spend. Basically, we try to keep it at about $500 per month for the 4 of us. That does NOT include eating out money. That is an entirely different fund. Our Food Budget includes raw milk in it so the amount spent at the grocery store is less than that $500.

So, I've decided to do a blog series for July where I track our purchases and meals made with those purchases. Yes, this means you'll get to see when I sneak in junk food and when I throw up my hands and say "I'm not cooking tonight" at the end of a hard day! No, I don't buy totally organic produce (I don't even stick to the dirty dozen...I know...fail) but if you're on a super tight budget this series will be for YOU. Hopefully I can help you make some healthy choices and learn to shop a little more efficiently.

The first post will include a list of things I ALREADY HAVE. I'll tell you right now that the shrimp and chicken breasts were on SALE when I bought them...normally those are too expensive for my taste. Are you excited?

Expect some photo updates every 30 days or so as you follow my and my husband's RevAbs journeys. I'm loving this workout so far. Brett has charisma even through the screen. I'll tell you that phase one is already changing my body and I'm only about a week into it.


Which update are you most excited about?